Fears

I am terrified that my daughter will not return to school from Canada. I gave my consent for her to go, after much wrenching of my soul. At Divorce, I was given joint guardianship and I am NEVER consulted about anything! It is almost as if my ex looked upon divorce from me as a death, and because I am no longer married toi her, I ceased to exist!

Things improved since she now has 2 ex husbands, but it scares me that control over my relationship with my daughter is at the whim of my ex wife!

What does not help is when my daughter promises to SMS regularly, then days go by and I am just left hanging! I know that I gave my permission for her to fly to Canada for a month with her Mom, but it kind of freaks me out that I have given up my time for her benefit, and when she gets back to SA, she is seeing her ex stepdad, and for her half term, she is going to see her Gran. It is great that she is fsmily orientated, but what am I - chopped liver? True, I am disabled, but that is notihing strange for my daughter, conceived 8 months or so AFTER the accident of the century!

I pray it is the accident of the century, as I barely survived it, and anything worse WILL (for sure) kill me! I know that the mormon church teaches that after death, you move on to (hopefully) Eternal life - not just existing forever, but doing so in such a way that you make a DIFFERENCE!

Still, I have survived 2 car write offs, one bee attack that nearly killed me, and one human arttack where I was beaten onconscious - with hammers - then when I collapsed, they stabbed me - 8 times! I wonder why I survived? It must be because my mission in life is not yet over! What this mission is, I knew whilst I was in my coma, but the vail has been drawn over this insight. I used to think that it was to do something big and incredible. but my friendly - and beautiful - headshrink pointed out that maybe it was a lot of smaller good deeds, added together, rather than 1 or 2 biggies! As soon as she suggested this, a peace was felt in my soul. I KNOW that I am still alive for a reason, even if that reason is clouded for the moment. I get glimpses of where I am going in life, and these are comforting! I still suffer from incredible anxiety that Christine will not come back to SA, but it is hardly within my control. Still, I can have faith! I know that the scriptures talk of the "faith of a mustard seed" and sometimes I feel really small. That does not mean though that I should give up! I decided when I came out of my coma that I had the choice of lying in hospital, and giving up, but life is worth so much more!