This weekend, the Elders Quorum President arrived at Sacrament with a lady friend! I sense that the Branch President was scared to introduce his fiancee to me as before he finished his mission, I had snapped up the woman who he truly believed would be his wife when he came off Mission. I feel that he still kind of holds it against me! If anything, he should thank me profusely for saving him from a fate worse than death - divorce or worse, outright rejection! Since I divorced my ex, she has remarried, divoirced him and remarried again! Michele did tell me that he believed this, but she vowed that she would never have married him!
Even now, if I speak to another woman when Christine is present, she (C) glares daggers at the woman. I fear that if I find a suitable woman, Christine will make my life miserable, as she would ideally like Michele and I remarried! Secret is that it is likely to snow here in Zululand at Christmas before that happens! I dont like ANYONE (other than Heavenly Father) to influence my decisions, and certainly not a mixed up teen!
I feel that I need to get engaged without Christines involvement! It may upset her, but I need to make my own decisions - especially as regards to my future life! A big thing is that Christine is at school in the KZN midlands - just west of Pietermaritzburg!I kind of fear that I will be influenced not to remarry, to keep me available to remarry Mom. The problem with that is that I truly believe that I and Michele have different outlooks on life, and these are no longer compatible!
Besides, I have found someone whom I truly believe I have been told by God that she will be the future Mrs Killick. I did ask her "What if I asked you to marry me?" and she did not say "No way!" - and was completely taken by surprise. I get the impression that the concept of marriage scares her and I need to persuade her that I am in no way like her ex husbands! If I marry her, I intend that it will be for Eternity, not until death - or the courts - us do part! I truly believe that there is very little worse than divorce - even death - not that death is something to fear - divorce is though - especially when I was sealed for Eternity! Technically this sealing still exists, but after 2 other husbands since me, I dont believe that I will be encouraged to live with her for Eternity! If I am not good enough in mortality, then what would change in the Eternities!
What I am glad of is that a future wife will only know me as I am now, and not be able to compare the AD (after damage) me to the BC (before crash) me! The lady that I truly believe is the future Mrs Killick, only met me after Michele threatened to divorce me and I was referred to her for mental ability to cope with life! She never knew the BC me!
I sense that this was Micheles problem. She knew the skinny BC me, and cannot reconcile her image of the person she married, to the man she divorced! I truly believe that she needed psychiatric help at the time of the accident, but did not get any. She recommended a psycologist to me though, but I saw him only once, as what he was advising me was not what I believed! Moralities clashed, so I never went back to him! I then saw a psycologist in Hillcrest - a member of the Church (now the Hillcrest Stake President) but was referred to a much more attractive local psycologist, who happens to be currently divorced! I think she was really hurt by her ex, and it will take much spadework to persuade her that marriage to me will not be a mistake! She knows (or at least should, because I have told her) that I am interested!
A concern is that she is not currently a member! I have looked around Church for a suitable member, but I have never felt that anyone (not even the Branch Presidents wife) is suitable! I truly believe that in the future, she will be comfortable with membership, and I can wait! In the District, there are NO woman - of a suitable age or cultural bachground - to be married to me!
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